Finito

After three and a half years of updating this blog I simply don’t know how to put my thoughts into words anymore. While on leave I learned that over the course of two deployments my ability for self expression has been shattered; apparently it applies to my writing as well.

Years ago I said I’d write a book or two about my experiences… consider it on the back burner for the foreseeable future. Simply put, I’m tired of writing (correction: trying to write and failing) with the knowledge that people won’t understand. Writing is no longer cathartic for me; the emotional rollercoaster of two deployments as a grunt has done nothing but put me in a position where I can barely control my anger and blind rage anymore. Attempting to write does nothing but further those problems.

Unless you’ve been in my shoes you won’t get it and you never will. And as much as I hate the feeling of knowing that the vast majority of people will never understand or empathize with me, to understand that for the most part I’m alone with this mentality, in the end that’s fine; in my idealistic youth I joined the Army so people in the US wouldn’t have to do and see the things I have. I’m still glad I did it being that I wouldn’t be the man I am today without the experience. And with that I realize that as frustrating as it is to see my generation’s concept of America, to witness their vanity and plain ignorance, that was part of the package that came with seeing the elephant. At this point in my life I can say I truly know the meaning behind sacrifice and burden.

I can’t read my old entries anymore without cringing. In my past writing I see a lot of my own stupidity and ignorance, blinded by inexperience and youthful optimism; that part of me is dead and I’m probably better for it. How I feel about my old entries combined with my inability to write has led me to the decision to delete all previous entries end this blog permanently.

I leave you with a statement. No matter how oft quoted or clichéd, it’s pure honesty is the best way to describe my experiences in Iraq:

“We are the unwilling led by the unqualified, doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful.”

Thanks go out to all my regulars and those who voiced their support. The email address for this blog will remain active and I’ll check it from time to time, so feel free to drop me a line. If you’re in Minnesota this time next year and you don’t strike me as a crazy internet stalker wanting to anally devirginize me, getting together for a cocktail is a slight possibility as well.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed the ride.